Today I woke up angry, I didn’t really feel like getting out of bed but decided to get up anyway. I decided to do my daily meditation hoping it would put me in a better mood but it didn’t. I could feel something lingering on the edge of my thoughts. I was angry about something but I didn’t know what it was. I decided to put some music on Papaoutai by Stromae. I started to dance just to get my body moving and then I felt a rush of emotions. I started thinking about my brother Kyle, he was murdered 2 years ago and my family back in Philly had a memorial last month. I was so busy worrying about moving that it hadn’t dawned on me that it had passed until I talked to my mom the next day. She told me it was a really nice memorial.
I checked Instagram and saw that my other siblings had posted little notes in remembrance of our brother. His birthday is next Month on August 18th. I could feel the emotions rising with each thought but I pushed them away. You’d think when you push your emotions aside they’d just go away but I realize now that they just stay hidden, waiting for a more appropriate time to be expressed. Like today I guess, as I danced I thought of my family, how I miss them, how I wanted to be there for the family reunion and the memorial. I thought about my other brother who is facing issues of his own and of course my mind racing trying to find someone to blame. I’m angry that my brother was killed, and that all the thoughts I have in my head on what could have been done to prevent it doesn’t matter because nothing will bring him back. I think of the times when he was small, how I wanted to keep him protected and safe. I miss him so much! I think of his daughter who just turned 2 and how she will never know him.
I realize that not sharing or expressing these emotions just kept them held within my body and maybe it was something about the dance or song that brought them forth all of a sudden. I know he is resting in peace and in a better place so I’m working on getting a grip on what I’m feeling as I don’t want to hold back anymore. I loved my little brother, he laughed often and definitely enjoyed himself while he was here. The boy responsible will be out a prison in a few years. I still don’t know how I feel about that. I feel so far away from everything being here in California but yet the pain is here too.
Tears are falling and I know it’s necessary to clear the hurt and the pain away. I’m learning how to let go of this anger, which I didn’t even realize was there. I’m definitely appreciating the power of movement and dance, the movements set the the energy alive again and forces me to face them. What am I feeling? How can I move forward? There is no gain or benefit in me holding back so I’ve decided to share more of myself with you guys. If you are dealing with the lost of a loved one, know that it is ok to cry and to have those moments by yourself in reflection. I’ll always miss my brother but I know he would want me to do everything I came here to do, the biggest thing I’ve learned is that life is unpredictable and time is precious. I no longer want to wear a facade, no one has a perfect life and we can learn so much from each other by sharing what we are going through. Is there anything that you are working to “let go” of? Much love guys!! I feel better.